Why do men come on so strong at first, and then cool off after a few weeks or months?
It’s frustrating, isn’t it!!
You probably resisted his advances, but he pressed on. You felt it was going too fast, but he assured you his feelings were really strong.
And you no sooner gave in, and started to think “This is it!” than he turned around 180 degrees and said things like “I’m not sure,” or “We need to slow it down,” or “I need some space to think.”
This just isn’t right! How could he do this to your heart?!? You are not a yo-yo…
So what’s going on here?
Here are the most obvious dynamics:
1. Sex Drive. We all know men are driven by sex. This is good, because it makes them want to have a relationship with a woman. But it drives them to want it too quickly, before there is much substance to the relationship.
2. Projection. Men tend to project their wishes onto others (women do too…). During the time that he doesn’t know you well, you are a blank screen onto which he can project all the things he hopes you and the relationship will be. As he gets to know you better, he starts to see that the reality is different from his fantasies, and he becomes disillusioned.
3. The Chase. Men are wired to be hunters. They get an adrenalin rush from the chase, and they are adrenalin junkies. When the chase is over, and the adrenalin ceases, they go into withdrawal. They can only get it up when the chase is on again.
So what are the solutions? Find men with no sex drive? Find men with no wishes? Be hunters yourselves?
No, the solution is to get out ahead of the man, and stay ahead. Let his sex drive continue to push him in your direction. Let him continue to project his wishes onto you. Let the chase continue.
Obviously there needs to be more than sex for the relationship to be fulfilling. Sooner or later the relationship needs to be based on reality, not wishes alone. The chase at some point needs to morph into commitment.
What you need to do is to structure the flow of change in your relationship in such a way that understanding grows, the chase finds new goals that foster the relationship, and sex gets better. Things usually change slowly, and by degrees, and this can be frustrating, so it is important to work to assure that the flow of change happens, and happens in the right direction.