I often hear from wives who are trying very hard to save their marriages after their husband’s affair. There are typically several issues that they struggle with but one of the most persuasive is the other woman and their husband’s feelings about her. They worry that the husband “isn’t over” her, or still thinks about her, or even still desires her.
One of the more common questions that I get is “does my husband still think about the other woman even though the affair is supposed to be over and we’re supposed to be trying to save our marriage? Sometimes, I notice him daydreaming and I have a very strong feeling that he’s thinking of her. When I ask him about this, he denies it. But I think he’s afraid to tell the truth because he knows it’s going to hurt me. How can I compete with this when supposedly, she’s no longer in the picture? How do men really feel about the other woman once the affair is over?”
The answers to these questions are as complex as the people and the relationships are involved. Men’s feelings about the other woman after the affair vary greatly and can change over time. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Some Men See The Other Woman And The Situation Quite Clearly After The Affair Is Over: Although their wives don’t believe them, some men insist to me that they are very clear on the fact that the other person was a huge mistake. Most of the men is this category will say things like “I don’t know what I was thinking. Looking back now, I was an idiot. My wife doesn’t believe that I don’t still think of her, but I really don’t. And, if I do, it’s just to think of how stupid I was and how much I risked.”
If this is the response that you’re hearing from your husband, you can sometimes look to his actions for confirmation. It could be that when he drifts off, if he is even thinking of her at all, it’s in the way that’s just been described. And, if he’s doing everything that he can to make this right and is showing himself to be sincere, remorseful, and forthcoming, then sometimes, you can save yourself a lot of time and grief if you’re able to understand that you won’t even be able to read his mind, but you can look to his actions to see if his intentions match his words. Beyond that, you really have to make a decision as to whether you intend to believe him until he gives you a concrete reason not to.
Depending On How The Affair Ended, Some Men Do Still Think About The Other Woman: When the end of the affair is still quite fresh, many men will still have some residual feelings. Many of them admit to me that because the relationship ended abruptly, they might feel as though they lack some closure and this will cause them to look back.
Or, if their wife is lashing out and making life quite difficult for them (even when they deserve this) they can look back somewhat longingly to the time before you knew about the affair and the fall out happened. They might sometimes equate these feelings to the other person. And sometimes, they will tell themselves that they really did have strong feelings for her that aren’t just going to end overnight because every one wants for them to. Many of them will tell themselves things like: “I chose my family and am trying to do the right thing. But I do still have some feelings. I can’t help these feelings. I don’t want to have them, but sometimes I do. What’s important is that I’m not acting on them.”
Over time, these feelings can drastically change and often begin to wane. It’s often when the whole things is still fresh and everyone is still reeling that the feelings might be the strongest.
How To Handle It When You Suspect He Still Has Feelings For The Other Woman: Here’s the problem with this whole situation. Neither you or your husband can control his feelings. (He can control whether he acts on them though.) Many men will say that they absolutely don’t want to have these feelings for her, but they just creep into his head and he has no control over them. I know that it’s very tempting to keep asking him about these feelings but in my opinion that’s the wrong call. You don’t want to continue to draw his attention back to her. If you’re trying to save your marriage, then you want for his attention to be on you and on the marriage.
Sometimes, you just have to trust yourself and the process and know that when things are fresh, the struggles are going to be greater. You have to trust that as you are able to rehabilitate the marriage and rebuild, things will dramatically improve on all fronts. And, it usually just takes some time for him to be able to see things as clearly as he needs to in order for his feelings to follow.
The bottom line is often that once you are able to transform and improve your marriage, the focus should then shift to the two of you and no one else. But, if you keep dwelling on this topic and bringing his attention to it without allowing time to work, then you may well cause both of you more pain and frustration than is necessary.