The first point I’d like to make is that you should use some discretion in regards to where you shop for ‘groceries’. The word ‘groceries’, in this case, is how I’m describing the ‘product’ you are looking for. Because just as you have learned where to shop for the food that you like, and is satisfying to you, so must you ‘shop’ for a prospective partner.
If it’s seafood that you’re in the mood for, you’re not going to head for the local home improvement store. Typically they do not sell seafood. You can go to your local grocery/clothing/hardware/’little bit of everything’ department store, and you can most likely buy some seafood there. But it’s not going to be the ‘good stuff’. For the very best in seafood you’ll need to go to a store that specializes in fresh seafood, not the processed or frozen kind. That’s where you’re going to find the best lobster, crab, scallops, shrimp, or whatever your favorite seafood is.
If you’re looking for a partner who will settle down into a family life, and enjoy being there, then you might literally do better if you do your ‘shopping’ at the local grocery store. There you can pick out someone who appears to enjoy the same lifestyle that you’re looking for. If you frequent the local pubs for a mate who is looking to settle down, you’re chances of finding that right person for ‘you’ is greatly reduced. However, if you’re doing your shopping at your local church, your odds of finding a stable, less rambunctious person are better. Better, but even this is not a foolproof place to find a prospective mate. It ‘might’ help to ensure that you’ll find someone whose religious beliefs and philosophies are closer to yours.
In other words shop the venues that you’ll be comfortable with in your future together. If Mr. or Mrs. Right is found at a local tavern, that’s where you’ll likely find them when you’re having trouble locating them in the future. If this scenario fits your list of things you’d like in a mate, that’s fine. Just don’t expect that they’ll change for what you consider to be ‘better’ after the relationship begins.
It’s very important to stay within your own limits and boundaries when looking for the right person. These days you will find people who are tattooed and pierced on every part of their body. These things are, for the most part, permanent features. You might find them ‘cute’ or attractive at this stage of your life, but what about 10, 20, or even 50 years from now. It’s very common in relationships that the things we find attractive, or interesting in the beginning, can become our biggest source of aggravation in that person later in life.
If you want to live with a person who is loud and boisterous, that is what you’ll pick out. But if you’re planning on making changes in that person, if and when the relationship becomes more permanent, you’re only fooling yourself. People in relationships do not always evolve at the same rate, and in many cases not even in the same direction.
Be honest from the very beginning. Honestly tell the other person what you are looking for in a partner. If that scares them off right away, then you’ll be better off without them, and you’ve just saved a lot of valuable time. They will only stand in the way of you finding the right one for you. Make sure that person shares your dreams of the future. You can even check out what their family is like. If they come from a rowdy, troubled family, then it’s a good chance that’s what your future is going to look like. If you see that their family is stable and loving, then you’ve found the pattern that your partner is most likely going to fall into as the years go by.
People tend to panic when they find themselves alone. Especially right after a break up of a previous relationship. These rebound relationships most often end in disaster, and many times are more devastating than the one that they just left. If you sort your preferences out of the myriad of possibilities in people first, then you’ll be left with making your choice from the best picks. Don’t ever accept a substandard, or abusive relationship in order to prevent being alone. If you’re uncomfortable being alone, then being alone may well be the best thing for you until you get acquainted with who ‘you’ are. How can you expect someone else to get to know you, if you don’t even know you?
I mentioned abusive relationships in the previous paragraph. I’ve always told my daughters and my female friends that if a man ever hits you once, then that’s one time too many! Physical abuse should never be tolerated under any circumstances. If you do, then it will only escalate and could result in permanently injuring, or even killing you. Mental abuse, can be just as bad and can damage a person as much mentally as physical abuse can damage them physically. And while these types of abuse are most often attributed to being by men and against women. It runs both ways. I had a relationship once that was physically and mentally abusive toward me. I’m a big guy and towered over this woman. But it didn’t stop her from being mentally and physically abusive, and even attempting to kill me at one point. I promptly ended that relationship and got away from her. Abuse is not gender specific!
There is an old joke about men and women that is quite humorous, but even truer than it is funny. It goes like this: “A woman marries a man hoping he will change. He doesn’t! A man marries a woman hoping she won’t change. She does!”
Some people might find this somewhat offensive. Sorry about that…you’ll find that I’m more straightforward regarding my topic, than I am concerned it might upset or offend someone. Political Correctness is not one of my strong points. The truth is the truth, and no amount of twisting or spinning it is going to change that. If the truth offends you, I consider that your problem, not mine. I can’t change the truth any more than I can change the rotation of the earth.
Women far too often see a man as a ‘work in progress’. I heard a woman say recently that, “Every man needs some work.” They are convinced that they can change him. This is one of the worst recipes for disaster that exists in the world of relationships. Men have a tendency to not change a whole lot. There are exceptions to every rule however, and I’ve seen some guys who have even surprised their own mothers with their ‘about face’ in attitudes and lifestyle. But it’s important to note that these guys are the ‘exception’ and not ‘the rule’.
Men see a woman as someone who is willing to do literally anything for them in the beginning. This is very true and women will do things in a new relationship, especially during intimacy, that they would never do later. Especially after the relationship appears to be ‘secured’ and even more so after marriage. I’ve heard it said that ‘women use sex to get love, and men use love to get sex’. Sexual need is something that is God-given, and born into every normal healthy individual.
If it weren’t for sex, men would have no reason to look for a female partner in the first place. Does this sound crass? Probably, but it’s very true! Men are not born with the need to have children. We do love that part of our lives after children are born, well most of us anyway. But we do not go around during our late teens and twenties with a need to find a mate and start a family. Men are the hunters in life. They hunt for the things that interest them. They are ready to go out and kill something, and then drag it back to the cave and eat it. It’s the nature that dwells within us.
A man’s sexual drive, or need, also puts him in the hunt for female companionship. There are two types of women he is looking for. The first is someone for ‘right now’. This is the type of woman who is willing to satisfy his ‘needs’ and his urges for the moment. Then there’s the type of woman who he’d be willing to take home and meet his Mom or his Grandmother. Women have a difficult time with this concept it seems. They are willing to do everything they can do, even on a first date, to secure the one who they think is the man of their dreams. They fail to realize that they are teaching that man a very important fact. That is, that they are willing to ‘give it up’ on a first date. If that relationship blossoms and becomes permanent and long term, this same man will always wonder if she ‘gave it up’ on every first date with every other man. Each time they meet an ‘old acquaintance’ of hers, his mind will race back to their first date together, and wonder if this acquaintance was also a ‘first date’ at some point.
OK…time to decide what type of a partner you’re looking for. Are they tall? Short? Skinny? Well built and athletic? Of maybe a couch potato who will leave a permanent butt imprint in your sofa cushion? Whatever it is you think you are looking for, you’ll need to make an honest visual comparison between that person and yourself ahead of time. The old business adage is that a person who wants to be successful, must first learn to ‘dress for success’. Will the person that you are attracted to be attracted to you? Take a good hard look in the mirror, and be honest with yourself about what you see. Does your hair need styling, or even a trim? If you’re a man, are you clean shaven? (Women, this ‘should’ leave you out of this one about shaving your face. But if not…then you should already know how to deal with this properly. I’m not being mean here, it’s just a fact of life that most of you would rather us guys weren’t aware of!)
If you’re happy with your appearance, then I hope you’ve already looked into your cleanliness and they way you smell. A nice smile, and a good personality are one thing, but body odor can chase most people away as you get closer into their ‘space’. There are those of us guys who tend to be a little Neanderthal, and will lay their lady down in a mud pit for a love making session. But those earthier scents are better left for later in the relationship and not part of a good first impression. Remember that other old adage: “You only get once chance to make a good first impression.”
Don’t overlook someone with some imperfections, or what you might consider ‘flaws’ in their appearance. Especially if these ‘flaws’ are not something that can be controlled or hidden by that person. Some of the happiest relationships I’ve ever seen are between two people that the average person would never picture together as a couple. One may be very attractive, by societies standards, and the other unattractive at best. It’s not as important what we see when we look at them. It’s far more important what they see in the hearts of each other.
The most loyal, loving, caring individual out there might have a birthmark in the middle of their face. Or they might be carrying some additional weight that makes them appear fat. They might have lost an arm, or a leg. But their most important attribute will be how they overcome these difficulties in life. These people learn to not judge others harshly, and can teach us so much about human nature and loving relationships. They are less likely to be critical of your imperfections because they have a better grip on reality. Do your best to see beyond their imperfections and you’ll meet some truly awesome people. Even if you don’t end up with them for a partner, you’ll likely make a devoted friend for life.
Remember that old song that goes like this: “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman you wife. If you want to happy your whole life through, get an ugly girl to marry you.” People get a kick out of that song, and it’s sung in a fun, upbeat tempo. But in the words of that song there is a lot of truth when it comes to relationships. A person whose looks are not at the top of societies scale, are much more loving to those around them than are the ‘hotties’ that society gushes over.
In this day and age, it is very common for people to live together before marriage. Or even cohabitate without ever marrying. In fact, it’s even becoming a bit of a shock to people when they find a couple who ‘doesn’t’ live together ahead of time. It’s even considered a wise thing to do. After all, you’ve got to know that person don’t you? What better way to do that than to live together 24/7? There is a lot wrong with this philosophy however.
One person, who I’m closely related to, had her boyfriend living with her for over 8 years. He was a hard drinker, played drums in a local tavern band, and could never seem to find a steady job. She was simply enamored with him, and whatever he wanted to do was OK with her. Then she became pregnant, and they decided to ‘settle down’ and get married. Unfortunately he was not ready to give up his drinking, and refused to look for a steady job. He made a meager income playing drums in the band, but typically spent that on booze before he even got home each night.
Only six months into the marriage she caught him with another woman, and their marriage was over. Just about the time the baby they had created was born. So much for ‘testing the waters’ ahead of time! The little boy spent his childhood and teen years trying to reconcile the lifestyle differences he witnessed between his mother and his father. He became very unruly, and was in and out of trouble constantly. At this very moment, he is near his 20th birthday, and has already been in an adult prison for the last few years. I’m not sure when he’ll be getting out, but it is doubtful he will remain free very long. The rate of recidivism is high for his age and in his choice of criminal activity.
Was this the fault of the parents? Who knows, but the instability in their lives definitely contributed to the instability in his life. Mom tried to buy him everything he wanted to make up for only being able to provide a single parent home. Dad showed him the seedier side of life, was never a good role model to him, and was even in and out of jail frequently himself. Even now, while sitting in prison, they have nothing to show him regarding family and the proper way to live his life. Living together before marriage didn’t work for this ‘family’ at all. And there are so many stories out there that mirror this one, especially in those relationships that result in the creation of a child.
When a child is created, it’s not about just you and your partner anymore. With procreation comes a serious responsibility of another life. A life that resulted from the relationship that the two of you shared together. Don’t ever take that responsibility lightly; your decisions will affect that ‘new person’ for their entire lives.
Be careful what you ask for, and be cautious about what you’re looking for in a partner. You just might get what you’ve asked for, in part, but not in the whole package. If you’re looking for the typical fashion or swimsuit model, just remember that everyone else is too. Unfortunately, an exceptionally good looking and well-built man or woman is very much aware of their appeal to the opposite sex. Sometimes they are more stuck on themselves than they can ever be on you. Add this to the fact that there are others out there that will not like the fact that you ended up with this person, and will do their best to take them away from you. Jealousy can cause all manner of behaviors, and even felony crimes before the jealousy is over.
Looks are going to fade. Bodies are going to age. These are the truths of life that every person will come to realize sooner or later. Our skin thins as it ages, and this causes wrinkles. Plastic surgeons can cover some of this up, but eventually the aging process will win out. The most sought after bodies and features are on men and women who are in their late teens and their twenties. These ‘hard bodies’ are aging as well, and will find the aging process more devastating and troubling than a person who can look at aging in a realistic way.
I know an 84-year-old woman who is always bemoaning the fact that the beauty and the body of her youth are gone. I’ve assured her that she is the sexiest 84-year-old woman I’ve ever known. I’ve stressed to her that in the grand scope of life, the 10 to 15 years of youth that present the ‘perfect’ bodies are gone before we know it. Add to that the stresses of life, our jobs, pregnancies, and possible physical injuries, illnesses, and maladies, all contribute to the evolution of our body from birth to grave. All these young ‘hotties’ want to grow to a healthy old age, but not one of them will be able to take their youthful body and appearance with them. The only solutions are either dying young, or accepting the aging process as our journey to perfection proceeds.
Perfection? Yes, if you’re a gardener you understand that you don’t pick fruits and vegetables when they are immature. Even if they are firmer, less wrinkled, better looking, they are not ready for picking until they are ripe. We wait until that time when they are perfectly ripe before harvesting our crop. We are then rewarded with the results.
The human body is the same. We are not harvested naturally from this life until we have reached the ripe perfection that God intended for us. Sure some fruit falls off the vine, or the tree, before it is ripe, but it is not of any use and just deteriorates away. God has His own plan for those that checkout early, and I doubt that it’s as unpleasant as deterioration in the dirt would be. But when my 84-year-old friend comes to the end of her life, she will have ripened to a perfection that everyone would like to achieve.
In picking a partner, try to think how this person is going to look in later years, than what they look like in the present tense. Check out their older relatives, and look at pictures of them when they were younger. This will help you realize what your partner is going to look like in their middle and senior years. Realize that you both are going to age at a similar pace, and you are not going to have your youthful looks either. This will also help them to see what you’re going to look like! Scary thought…huh?
What I’m trying to emphasize is that the person on the inside is the one that you’ll ultimately grow to love…or hate. Check out that person starting with their heart and their mind. These are the things that are ultimately important and will outlast good looks and hot bodies! This is not to say that a gook looking, well-built person in their prime is not the right choice for you, or anyone for that matter. But you ‘must’ look beyond the façade. You must examine the very foundation of that person before committing yourself to a lifetime with them. Who they are, and what they are, are far more important in your choice than the decorative qualities they bring to the relationship.
Lastly, even though there is much more that could be written, do not look for that other person to ‘fulfill you’ or to make you happy. That is not their job; you can only find fulfillment and happiness within yourself and your creator. Find that first and ‘you’ will have much more to add to a prospective relationship. Then if you’re fortunate enough to find a partner with the same peace about themselves, you will have found a rare treasure indeed! If two people are less concerned by their own needs than in tending to their partners needs, and if both stick to this plan throughout their relationship. Then neither of them will ever have to worry about their own wants. They will be too busy looking to the wants and needs of their loved ones, and those same loved ones will be looking toward fulfilling theirs. All in all this should make for an ideal life together, and should be what everybody is looking for.